i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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