My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am midnight drunk by noon
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
