***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
