How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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