for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
