I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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