So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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