do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
