You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
