This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
