Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
