i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize