guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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