the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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