Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
