the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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