my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
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