Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
