Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
