I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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