ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
