I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
