apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
