Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
This toilet bowl is my home.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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