people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Randomize
