Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
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