Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
