she looked like the before picture.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
