dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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