I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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