if you like me you must not know who I am
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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