Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
