Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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