omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
