We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize