im six kinds of drunk right now
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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