i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
