i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
