yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i out mim tonsoeep
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
