Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
