Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
