So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
