I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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