There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
