just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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