i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
