Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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