Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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