Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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