I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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