oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
