Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
