I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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