When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think people are normalizing furries
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
