Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
