he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
